Didn’t go into work today. I crashed down here in Chinatown last night and had a terrible time. I woke up repeatedly, had awful dreams, and when the sun arose my stomach was hurting. I wrote in and canceled all my meetings. No big deal. This leaves this afternoon for preparing for all my talks on Thursday and Friday anyway.
It’s pouring rain outside and the city is in a large, heavy cloud. From the 26th floor here, I can see most of the bottom half of Manhattan stacking in front of me. Here:
In one dream, I was in a room that had bunk beds. I was lying on the floor, on a mattress, and other people were in there, a few girls. As I lay there, one of them came and stretched out next to me, close enough that there was contact. As she curled up and got ready to sleep, she pressed against me and my arm. Suddenly she sprung to her feet, shouted “What the fuck?!” and turned on all the lights. She started accusing me of groping her. She started saying that I was trying to touch her and how could I and she was extremely upset. The other girls were there looking on in disbelief, and I was frozen. I started to say I didn’t do anything, and simultaneously recognized how guilty it makes a person sound when they say that. The only thing I could try to do was explain that she pressed into me, that I was already there, she came after. But no one believed it. Then the accuser girl said, “And with your own girlfriend right in the same room!”
And at that moment we all looked up at the bunk bed, and there was a girl up there. She looked familiar to me, but not someone I knew. She looked at me with disgust and turned away in her bed, facing the wall. I walked over to her bunk and said something like: “I didn’t do anything! I swear!” And she said: “Look, it’s already 8:35, let’s just all go to bed.”
I woke up sweating, pulse racing, and I was confused. From then on it was on and off sleep. I tried listening to a podcast to get me to settle in, but it wasn’t helpful. Now I’m sitting here eating plain oatmeal and 8 scrambled eggwhites alone in this strange empty apartment. I need to get back uptown, I think. Though I’m not sure why. I have a dinner down here at 6 that I need to be at, one of the Association dinners. I need to crash uptown tonight, though, because of my presentation (which I’m not ready for) early tomorrow morning.
Something is off about this whole thing, the night, the morning, and I wish I knew exactly what it was. I also wish I weren’t here. But I don’t know where else I would be, besides Coronado, another non-home.
Fuck man, I hate this shit. Please pass soon.
