The room was dark and time was slow. At last check it was around 3:30a. I had written around 4 pages, descriptions of a thing, and was being tortured by the wrong words, or the empty spaces indicating what’s missing. The agony of holding onto what can’t be described is pure. Like the All Night Room, empty spaces can remind me of how singular all experience is. Even if I wanted to share and connect with a person, I am never able to. The words are always wrong, the meanings too easily interpreted in different ways. Everything communicated feels like an approximation, and not the actual thing.

You know, they’re perfect for each other– Words and the All Night Room. They dance there. They love it. Hell, they make it happen… I mean really, they force it to happen. Selfish if you ask me, because they trap me there. Maybe it’s a form of entertainment for them. I guess I’m a pretty funny guy. I’d laugh at myself if I wasn’t busy destroying myself.

Today my legs are swollen and vascular from The Routine. The soreness everywhere, from my ass to my calves, is fantastic. It’s not excruciating. My legs are not damaged or injured. Just sore– enough to feel nice when massaging, and enough to feel like I actually did some hard work, enough to appear worked over for a day. My shins are a little bruised from kicking the pads, first the heavy bag routines and then with a coach holding targets. He said I have some of the strongest kicks he’s ever felt,  but that it’s inconsistent. Sometimes my hips are loose enough to swing my legs like heavy tree branches into the target. That impact is among the greatest sensations I have known, maybe second to you know what. Other times they tighten up at the moment of impact, diminishing some of the power, and that’s frustrating and uncomfortable.

I do not have a full day today. I have plenty to do, but only two meetings scheduled, 2-3, and 3-4 with my boss. That’s a nice feeling. I’m thinking about how nice it’ll be when the day is done and I can hit the sauna and massage my legs and drink protein. I can’t wait for that. I’m 201lbs and lean as hell right now, feeling efficient. The machinery of my body is solid, no weak links, clean inside and out.

If only the machinery of my mind was as easy to work on.