Late wake up.

It’s July 20, 11:45am.

At home, in my undies, sweating and standing while I type. I think the air is condensating on my skin. I’ve just emerged, coffee brewing, eyes focusing, skin still slightly chilled from my bedroom AC.

Still a little torn up about the last goodbye, and only for her. I’m fine and capable of being happy and healthy on my own and am looking forward to diving into my work this year. But it hurts because she was so extremely sweet, thoughtful and caring, really getting herself together after a few years of trying different paths. When she came my way, she latched on so quickly, and I shouldn’t have gone along with it. When I said goodbye she was so crushed. She had wanted to get married and all the rest.

She deserves all of that, and I’m just not the right one to give it to her.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting numb to it all.

Maybe this is the skill that people who have many relationships with people acquire over time. Each one becomes less significant because of how many there grow to be. If you’ve only been with a couple people, and you have to break up for whatever reason, it can be traumatic (believe me, I know). But if you’ve gone through it a whole bunch of times, you start to see it as a process with few real surprises. It unfolds as a series of stages, almost like the stages of grief. When you see them all as stages, it’s easier to stay outside of it all.

It scares me a little that I’m starting to feel this way.

I am getting tired of the heartache. Maybe someday it just won’t happen anymore. One solution is to just never get close to anyone. Another one is to go more slowly with a person so that a break-up is smooth and peaceful, and if there is no breakup, then that’s the one to stay with.

I don’t know, man. These things can be so hard if you think about it all, and think about them. Or they can be easy if you just flip that switch, and it’s on to other things. One is painful and damaging, and the other would seem somehow less human. Caught between being a vital, pumping heart, and just a complex system of machinery without an ultimate  purpose.

Remember that quote from Christopher McCandless at the end of Into the Wild, “happiness is only real when shared”? Sometimes I think about that.

But then again, I never had most things right to begin with.

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The show last night was so-so. The stage and set were excellent, but something was wrong with the bass tone from the very start. Since that’s the lead (just three musicians– bass/voc, drums and keyboard) it really wrecked about the first 45 minutes for me. At about the 80 minute mark, though, suddenly the bass sounded great, as if he finally hit the right pedal or something, and the last 12-15 minutes were outstanding.

Today I’m going into my boss’s office with the big camera to capture what’s there before the books and nick-knacks are all removed. His daughter will meet me there later in the afternoon, and then we’re going out for drinks with some other friends, hers and mine, later tonight.

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It hasn’t been a great time for training, but that’s OK for now.

Have a great Saturday birdie heads.