I walked down Amsterdam and into our staff meeting feeling solemn and disengaged from work. I wanted to start a fight or something. Some people are born needing more stimulation, more intensity, more action. It’s probably connected to ADD or something like that.

I artificially inflate the intensity sometimes because I need more stimulation. But it’s been a long time of this, and it’s getting tiresome. I need more of the action to come from the outside, to fuel me up. There are days when I just really don’t want to be here, so I make it more appealing by inventing complexity, or looking deeper than needed for meaning, and sometimes finding it, though in reality it might not even be there. I pretend it is, to make it more important to me.

My Korean ex wrote a long letter to me from her new city, Luxembourg, telling me about her time there so far, and how certain things remind her of me. That was unexpected and I feel neutral about it.

Neutrality is uncomfortable for me. That might sound like an oxymoron, but it’s not. Neutrality is a form of non-existence, from my view.