It has been 55 days since the injury, approximately 45 since PT began.

The enemy of a healing L5-S1 disc is the nose. I sneezed on Tuesday and it set me back days. It wasn’t big or exaggerated and still it had me crumpled and then fully extended on the conference room floor for over an hour. Definite setback, man. Dark cloud.

I had no idea the psychological part of this was going to be so tough. There are times when I’m just beside myself. I catch myself thinking things I never thought I’d ever think. It’s like my whole psyche is gradually losing its gusto because my body is incapable of handling what usually comes out of it. I’ve learned that my brain’s reaction to being physically unstable is to get low, to get down deep enough that there’s no reason to exert, and on this end it amounts to bouts of thinking there’s no reason for anything. It’s not quite the “free” feeling I’d expect if someone else were telling me about it.

It’s late in the afternoon, grey and cold December day on the Upper West Side and I’m face down on the conference room floor, arching up on my elbows, laptop ahead. I don’t even feel self-conscious any more. I hope someone brings a client in here just so I can make a scene.

I’d give anything to open it up and see what it looks like. I think I’d heal better if I could see the injury, see where the scarring is, see what the hell is still touching the nerve root occasionally. I want rip it out. I guess ripping would be bad. Things in the body are so interconnected and fragile. Removing things requires fine, sharp blades, sometimes lasers. I want to laser the thing that’s still scraping my nerve roots in the S1 area. I have a feeling it’s probably a tiny thing.  But for some of our organs (eyes for example) even the smallest foreign presence can be agonizing.

I canceled PT on Wednesday because I didn’t want the Ice Queen to see the regression. I want her to feel like she’s a PT genius, the one person in the world who can repair the unbreakable man. Her confidence gives me confidence. I wonder if she really knows how bad it’s been, especially on the off days. I don’t want to tell her about it. At Friday’s session I’m going to tell her everything is still improving and that I just feel better and better thanks to her.