March 6, 2014

Late night working, and a great sleep till 8a before a nice fast shower and a hustle to the staff meeting. The meeting was great, as was the one immediately following. My next big thing today is at 3p, a project steering committee meeting. Once that’s done, I’ll be in better shape overall.

It already seems like forever since I’ve been intimate with anyone, and it hasn’t been *that* long. This is probably really good for me. My body seems confused, though. Huge nights and mornings. It seems every time I lay down there’s a biological expectation that I can’t fulfill. We do have control over ourselves, though. It’s a matter of when to intervene with yourself. So far so good.

Sunken rehearsal tonight. We have three good songs we’re getting good at now and will do the demo recording later this month. It’ll be a great milestone for me in particular as I’m the only one of our trio who hasn’t laid down tracks or a produced recording. It’ll be great.

Can’t wait for the afternoon meeting to be done. I’m going straight home, changing clothes, and then training like a motherfucker. Then sauna for 45 with a big jug of water, and I bet I’ll be crashing early tonight.

One issue with training is that it boosts testosterone. If a person already has marginally high Test levels, it’s a tricky combination because it builds and suddenly throwing people out of windows– all people and all windows– becomes increasingly appealing.

But that’s not a very good reason to get a girlfriend.

Many are the griefs of men.

Have a great day of Thor, monkeyholes.

 

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March 5, 2014

I was working until nearly 1a last night, in the office. Very peaceful, but constant background stress of knowing there’s a long road ahead on this analytic project. I smoked some.

When I got home, I downed some water and vitamins, showered quickly and went to bed. I had very vivid dreams. In one of them, I was interviewing for a new job. I was surrounded by young, hip people who were all very smart. We were playing some kind of creative game and went around the room, and as we did, the boss woman was sort of DJ-ing a gigantic LCD screen with multimedia. Depending on what we talked about when it was our turn, she would bring stuff up and somehow mix it together, illustrating and accompanying what was being said. There was loud music and, though I can’t remember the specific things people said, I remember being impressed with how quick witted everyone was, much more so than me. I felt like I was faking my “interview”.

Rough wake up with not enough sleep. I need to train, but I don’t have time today. Diet not good last two days. Sleep not good either.

I saw a beautiful woman walk past me on the platform as I raced in today. She saw me looking at her and she half-smiled. It caused great pain.

Back to work. Be healthy, monkeys.

 

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March 4, 2014

xSlROKM

Make sure you know who your project partner is. I was given three for this one project– a computational modeler, a statistician and an epidemiologist. We worked hard and long on building a model of a complex system. Then we had an update meeting with the Dean, their boss. She wasn’t too happy with the overall direction or state of the project.

So I had some splainin’ to do. But in the middle of trying to figure out what had happened, I realized the big problem: not only has it been a major challenge working with three different primary project partners (who frequently disagree with each other and slow everything down) but there’s a forth project partner, their boss. Lesson for the future: know who the partner is. If I had known better than the the Dean was the real partner, I wouldn’t have assumed she was talking with the three content experts and I would have been communicating with her more directly. That would have prevented surprises. That’s all about that.

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Good sleep last night. Only sexy in one part, fortunately, because otherwise I wake up raging and frustrated and life is hard. The more my dreams can stick to adventures, the better off I’ll be.

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Today I have a couple meetings, then I need to train, then uptown for content work on the site housing the obesity simulation, then home to do the reading for Theories of Communication which I TA tomorrow. Things are smooth. Resume is getting padded and edited and I’m fairly excited.

 

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March 3, 2014

It’s Monday and I’m racing. I had a cold that lingered for a couple of days over the weekend and resulted in some excellent sleeps. The best thing about a cold is the sleep you get. Especially the dreams. Mine sometimes have girls in them.

Sometimes I wonder if my caveman qualities are too much.

I’m a born again virgin, sort of, isn’t that neat? I’ve cut off ties with nearly all women I had been seeing here and there, explaining that it was just too much to handle, I’m too busy and that I knew the casual thing was ultimately destructive for them and almost always puts everyone in a weird place. It’s not a good feeling if someone takes the time to come over, all horny, and throat you perfectly, and when it’s all over, you expect them to leave. That’s a shit feeling. Sleeping with someone you don’t really love. It’s intense in the moment, and awful in the aftermath. You walk them back to the subway. They get on, you don’t. You know they’re sitting there feeling weird, possibly still feeling you in their mouth, wondering what just happened and what it means, and whether you’re an asshole, or they’re a slut, or just what the hell it’s all about.

Or maybe they’re thrilled, and will go straight to a bar, deviously.

Either way, I needed to stop because it was bothering me. I don’t love them. I know I’ll suffer in other ways, but I don’t want to feel like I’m using people for caveman impulses. I’ll survive.

I’m getting myself straightened out more. I feel better, overall. I’m eating pretty clean again, thanks to my subscription to home-delivered organic vegetables. I did smoke some cigarettes which I already regret, but a few won’t hurt, here and there, if you’re very active. Training has been good, again. 510lb on deadlift Saturday late morning.

I had noodles with a friend at a relatively new place I really like near where I live. She couldn’t use chopsticks and didn’t enjoy it much. I ordered a big bowl and asked for every add-on item they had. It ended up being a $27 bowl of noodles. You might think that’s ridiculous, but believe me it was worth it. I ate everything, and drank every drop. The waitress said no one had ever ordered everything like that before, and most people can’t finish their broth. I always finish the broth. She said they should have a name for it, like “the works” or something. I suggested The Tuk Bowl. Not sure if that will happen. It’d be neat though.

My eyes are stinging and red today, possibly because of the office heaters and dust. I’m wearing my nice clothes because I run a Monday morning meeting for the staff I manage, which has just concluded. I usually bring donuts, but I’ve gotten cheap lately, bringing in the box of powdered ones from the supermarket in stead of Dunkin’s. People liked it. Someone brought a Mardi Gras cake, and that was nice.

I go to Bratislava for a training in a few weeks. That’ll be intense.

I just started working on an updated version of my resume. Ready for a change, which I’ve been saying for months, but have now gotten to resume-level seriousness. Sending a few around for my friends to help me refine. Not sure what will happen.

I’m looking at a house on a mountain near my hometown in NH. What a strange thing that would be to end up there. It’d be like I left on a 20 year adventure, and, having my fill, returned to the peaceful life of leaves, rivers, dogs and fireplaces.

But I might not be ready for that, yet, though. But it’s sort of coming. If I do NH, I’m also doing San Diego, which I love. Bi-coastal, motherfuckers.

I made this last night:

bok zucc

It was pretty good. Salt and pepper added only. I named it: Bokkini.

And I dreamed about this last night:

 

ass

And I woke up feeling strong that I can exercise more discipline about it in the waking-world. I want it, but I don’t need it.

A break will be good.

Have a great Mondaggle you monkeyholes. Updates daily from now on.

(PS don’t stare at her ass too long or you’ll get hypnotized… not my fault, warning you now).

 

 

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February 21, 2013

The last couple of days have been full. I had an extremely uncomfortable experience yesterday afternoon involving conducting a workshop online to a small group of 7 people, and during which the technology mostly failed and left me high and dry. Given that I had explained I would not be able to work on any of the technology stuff in preparation and that someone would need to do that in order for me to run the workshop, I was very upset with a couple of staff who seemed to not have been prepared to support me. Given that one of them is here only to support that kind of service, I found the whole thing a demonstration of foolishness. I yelled a little bit afterwards and I’m not sure what the fallout should be. But the point is the whole thing sucked, and I’m the one in the video. Fuck them.

Last night I left straight from work to check out an instrumental metal band called Russian Circles. They’re excellent, a three piece from Chicago. I’d heard much of there stuff previously, but I must say that live it was extremely good. Their tones were killer and I stayed for the whole thing. On the way home my trains were all delayed and it took forever. I complained to the Serb who met me at the 137th stop and came over because she’s leaving for the weekend. I was really tired but we still went nuts until about 3a and again this morning. She left before me and I brought her suitcase in, secretly.

I have a chapter draft due by the afternoon and I’m nowhere near ready. I’ll be doing that all morning, after I get a coffee first.

I need to eat and train today as it’s been nearly a week since I’ve had time to get in there. I would love a relaxing evening, train for an hour, eat good stuff and sleep, but nope. The tall Chinese girl is coming over around 7 and then she, my friend and I are going to watch the band OM play at Music Hall of Williamsburg. You might remember the last Om show I went to was at the Met where they played at the Temple of Dendur. It was awesome but their bass sound was fucked up, so tonight I should be able to hear them as they’re supposed to sound.

Time for coffee.

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rEdRFWQ“Hi, you might think I’m all cuddly, but in reality I can bite you in half. But I wouldn’t do that to YOU.”

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February 12, 2014

Hyper busy. Here’s a thing. We had a staff meeting last week that I hated. I wrote a response to it, with the intention that it goes nowhere. Someone came in to talk to us about virtual “badges” we can award to our clients for doing good work, or for participating in our programming.

The area of badges is interesting to explore. The issue of extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation and the reenforcement of either is probably a safe starting point: will badges serve to promote greater participation in professional development opportunities? Maybe. That would be nice.

Human motivation (and its values and properties) is complex. Inventing symbolic reward structures for the purposes of encouraging a desired group behavior is controversial. It might be useful to instead consider the “badge” idea in terms of its acting as a “symbolic recognition system” itself and how strongly the education community has pushed in that direction over the last 20-30 years, and what the results have been.

At our “badge” staff meeting, the Ph.D. example was more telling than probably anticipated by our guest. The title “PhD” was presented as a kind of nebulous symbol itself that had no readily identifiable criteria for being awarded (as elicited from the room). The exercise was a nice–if accidental– demonstration of the problem of what symbolic recognition from the academy has become. The point was that, since we don’t know off hand what the criteria for the PhD (in his case) was, how do we know what practical meaning to ascribe to it? Well, aside from the fact that we could look it up on the publicly accessible departmental web page (duly entitled: Requirements for the PhD), there’s an issue at stake about how the meaning behind “PhD” has changed over time.

Historically, the dissertation *was* the value of the PhD. The main criteria for its completion was for the candidate to exert maximal effort to mobilize and employ their best intellectual abilities and skills for contributing and communicating new ideas and perspectives and solutions to a field. It’s a “terminal degree” because the dissertation itself represents a culminating event after a long period of intellectual preparation. The PhD was synonymous with the dissertation, a piece of work that usually translated directly into your professional life: it became the book, the series of articles, the thing that qualified you for that position in that place. The response to that comment by our guest at the badge staff meeting was something along the lines of:  “…unfortunately that’s not what dissertations are for any more…”.  That is a living example of the problem of symbolic recognition mechanisms as they now exist in education: the cumulative dilution and possible devaluation, on a wide scale, of the various symbolic representations of ability. How has it happened that we don’t know what value to ascribe to a PhD from Columbia?

We might call it “badge inflation.” We have PhDs who do not consider their dissertation to be very telling of their abilities… or even their interests, and merely the “badge” they believed would hold a certain value as they look for jobs.  It’s increasingly the case that their dissertation is not even related to the jobs they’re applying for. We have more unemployed PhDs now than seems possible, and over 35,000 PhDs on food stamps (according to NPR), and yet the applicant numbers are off the charts, still. Most PhD’s do not wish to join the professorate. So why do so many still seek to add that title to their name?

Such is the case with the failing MBA programs, the diminishing value of BAs and MAs, of grade inflation, of “title inflation” and “badge life”. As people increasingly and problematically pursue and invest in the “badge” rather than the educational purposes of the programs they choose, the symbols lose their meaning. The result has been that people now strongly question the value of those programs (especially monetary value, but not only that). Evaluators, such as employers, increasingly look for other ways to learn about a person’s abilities and talents because the sea of MAs (as badges) paints no clearer picture of a person’s abilities these days than what could be assumed of a BA. The applicants themselves look to other ways of demonstrating their abilities and interests as every candidate comes to realize their BA/MA/PhD, stamped along the top of their personal snapshot, exists in a stack of similarly stamped snapshots– digital or otherwise.

Creating ever more “badges” will not move us forward when there’s yet a bigger, unnamed problem ungirding the whole issue of qualifying an education or an educational experience– whether described as “professional development” or “competency” or “qualification” or whatever other label. In short, if even “PhD” is more valuable as a label pursued for its potential representative power versus actual representation of ability (since no one seems to care about dissertations any longer as long as you have the “badge”), how would we not see the manufacture of ever more badges as part of the problem of dilution and devaluation? Have we not experienced a very logical “gaming” of the entire accreditation system itself, fueled by an economic system that looks to measure and represent people by tick marks and badges rather than contributions? And overall, how well would we say that has been working?

When asked for the goals of inventing a badge system for recognizing informal instruction, the answer provided in the badge staff meeting was something along the lines of: “to recognize skills that people develop that right now are unrecognized [in symbolic form].” But the reliance on symbolic recognition we’ve pushed for and built up over decades has already caused a shift in practice and pushed the mandate of academic credential accumulation in a questionable direction– so why would we continue pushing in that same direction? People are increasingly exploring new ways of getting recognized for their abilities, and it’s not by showing ever more symbolic representation, but rather actual creative work produced: here’s the tool I made, here’s this problem I solved and how I did it, here’s this book I wrote (…so please consider me for the position). We see this in industry all the time: employers care about what you can do. Symbolic representations in the form of degrees, badges, titles, etc. are less meaningful now, even to the point of being highly suspect on paper. In the IT world, it’s an even larger issue, as they seem obsessed with certificates– Microsoft, Oracle, Cisco, etc. In the programming world, however, those highly standardized and official “certificates”– each of which requires rigor and study and much effort and commitment, are not looked upon with much confidence. As quoted by one of our own programmers, as soon as you get into actual programming, the MCSE badges (and the like) do not help describe a candidate’s real skills or abilities very well, and in fact can make them look weaker overall than other kinds of evidence of ability, on paper or off.

To recognize and support and promote a faculty member’s skills in teaching with technology, the solution could be to grant a badge they can display on their digital CV. Clicking the badge takes you to Mozilla (for “traceable provenance”) where you’ll see a definition: “Granted by the Learning and Teaching Technology Institute of Supertech University, the badge holder effectively improved the educational outcomes of a course using an innovative new media intervention.”

How is the invented symbolic recognition described (by following the invented badge trail) more descriptive or informative than if the faculty member literally described something important they did directly on their CV or bio page or wherever:

*Effectively transformed a core course, “Introduction to Evolutionary Biology”, with a newly designed, learner-centered, problem-based pedagogy using a suite of educationally driven technologies.

*Student ability to solve transfer problems improved over previous years and student evaluation feedback indicated marked improvement in student satisfaction and perceived value of the course. (See case study, “Improving Freshman Performance in Evolutionary Biology with New Media Tools”, published in http://www.professorjoeshmo.blogspot.com)

The example above could conceivably be represented by 20 different badges that, on their own, communicate extremely little: the “problem-based learning” badge, the “learner-centered pedagogy” badge, the wiki badge, the blog badge, each with their own requirements and criteria and so on, each with a different full page in Mozilla. But without the “thing contributed”, the thing done with the skills represented by those badges, of what value is that list of symbols?  Of what value is the PhD without the dissertation, the BA without the thesis. We’ve moved away from work contributed towards “badge” held, and now we reward badge accumulation as if it were the goal, rather than the means.

While it’s all worth exploring and experimenting with, I can’t help but imagine the faculty with the 35 badge bio page and how gimmicky that might look after just a couple years– compared to the faculty who can describe– yes with actual words–  what they’ve accomplished in their teaching practice, perhaps highlighted on a page we create to celebrate their effort and classroom achievements.

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