Obsidian Noise

I told G1 that I couldn’t be physical any more and she was a little upset but understood. We’ll still be friends because we were never actually in a relationship. Like, we never had that talk, about seeing anyone else or exclusivity or any of that stuff. We just liked each other and every couple of weeks would try to meet up.

But when G2 started about a month ago, I knew it would be trouble. G1 and G2 work together, in the same department as me. After I got physical with G2 (which was fairly amazing and highly unexpected) I knew I’d have to make some kind of decision. The smart thing would be to stop seeing either of them romantically.

But I’m not that smart.

Last night was peculiar and a first. In hindsite, it’s quite unbelievable. G1 and G2 knew each other but were not really friends. They’re very different– one’s an introverted designer, one’s an all-american lawyer/MBA, party-type person. A couple weeks ago they were both out in the same group, an afterwork thing, getting drinks. That made me a little nervous, but it was OK. I hooked up with both of them later that same week and everything was fine.  Last night, however, oddly and improbably, it was just the three of us left at work. We left the building together, which was already awkward, but then I learned the two of them, and just the two of them, were going out for drinks. Not only that, but they were going to one of my favorite places not far from where I live.

I started to think that they were maybe playing with me– that maybe they’d already discovered I was physical with both of them, and now they were scheming to make me as uncomfortable as possible. I decided to play dumb and went along, the three of us, walking down Broadway.

When they got to the turnoff for the bar, G1 said, “Good, now you can leave and we can talk about you.”

What do you do with that? So I said, “I see what’s going on here, schemers. Enjoy yourselves, don’t get too wasted.” And we just said bye and I walked home and they walked to the bar.

At home, I had Tycoon Death Plunge jam, and the whole time I was waiting for a text, or possibly a text from both of them, or a call, or tears, or yelling, or a knock on the door, or something.

But nope.

G2 wrote a couple hours after I left them: “Heading home. By the way you looked extra edible today.”

That didn’t sound angry at all.

So miraculously, things turned out OK. They didn’t divulge to each other they were both seeing me. Perhaps the “seeing” part of that description is what made it able to remain hidden. We meet sometimes for dinner or lunches. Sometimes we get naked. Is that “seeing”?

Later in the night, closer to my bedtime, I called G1 who’d I’d been seeing for a few months, and suggested we stop the physical stuff because it’s clear we can’t move forward while both working together and it was getting too tough and I didn’t want to risk hurting the friendship. Surprisingly, the conversation went well. We’ll still meet up and have lunch sometimes. She’s really sweet and nice and interesting and I really do like her as a person. I can just tell that unless we’re in a relationship, it’s not good for us to keep doing more than dinner.

G2 I flirted with on text until we fell asleep. G2 is dangerous. G2 has a “bench” of guys and has been proposed to 3 times. G2 has sketchy guy friends. This weekend she’s going to the Maxim Magazine Superbowl party. Here’s a paste from her the mail she sent me:

Congratulations, you have been added to the exclusive guest list for… “THE MAXIM PARTY” 

Hey, it’s Noah & Breakfast, you have been placed on our special guest list for our Maxim pre-Game celebrity party Friday, January 31, 2014 at 10pm and Saturday, February 1, 2014 at 10pm

WE RECOMMEND ARRIVING EARLY – Look for the specially marked “IGetIn Check-In” Signs to expedite entry!

ESPACE
635 W 42nd St
New York, NY 10036

Of course, as with all Maxim events everything is complimentary for guests: Music, Food, Games, Music, and a very special live performances from Swedish House Mafia’s Sebastian Ingrosso and Grammy Awarded rapper Kendrick Lamar  that you won’t want to miss.
No cameras please and you must have 21+ ID.

So at least there’s music. But how exactly do you get in? Well, if you are male and have connections, it’s $1500. Otherwise, check the fine print:

This is a PRIVATE event and Maxim reserves the right to choose who is admitted and who isn’t.  Please arrive on time, dressed appropriately.

*If you have a really hot girlfriend (sorry, no guys for this special invite) that you want us to consider for the guest list please have them submit their information at our web form at www.igetin.com or have them email us photos at nyc@igetin.com or facebook request us atwww.facebook.com/maxim.superbowl

So if you’re a chick, you send them photos of yourself and if you’re hot enough, you get in. So, she did that, and she got in, with her hot-ish asian friend who’s name is Yum-yum. So they’ll be at this thing, probably mostly filled with douchey fuckfaces who’ll pay $1500 for a couple hours of “party” because it’ll be filled with hand-picked hot women.

Barf.

Incidentally, G2 is who I described as the Doctors Wife previously. That was wrong. She looks like the Doctor’s Wife, and at work acts like the doctor’s wife, but is in fact sort of a party girl. Why she’s addicted to me right now I have no idea, I obviously HATE all of that stuff. But, here we are. She sends me hot texts during the day about meeting up in empty rooms and how she needs me so bad right now.

So we’ve met up in small dark rooms twice over the last couple of weeks. She’s pretty outrageous and seemingly as lust hungry as I am.

I wonder if the decision to have a fling with her is my subconscious trying to sabotage my situation so I will have to move on, because maybe secretly I know I need to build my cabin in the woods with skylights and window-walls and a central fire place and hard wood everything and where I can sit and watch the deer come through the snow during a pleasant winter storm.

Maybe NYC is wrapping tentacles, now, in the form of tits and ass, and that’s how it pulls you in. I’m in my mid-30s now and it seems like girls are everywhere and they like me. The super hot types I never would have had a chance with 10 years ago are now into me. They’re in my bed saying I’m the best. It’s a NYC trap. I wonder if I can escape peacefully. The way things are going right now, it seems unlikely.

G3.

G3 is really tall and slim and pretty. She’s the first Chinese girl I’ve had over in a about a year, since I broke it off with the Lion Dancer. She’s coming on Friday to make Jiaozi for Chinese New Year. It’ll be her forth time coming over and I haven’t kissed her yet. Last time we talked alot and sipped tea (she doesn’t drink) and it was nice.

I feel detached from nearly all things and people. I feel closed off but able to enjoy my days, still. She’s coming on Friday and half of me is glad and the other half is ambivalent.

I got up at 6 because I need to lose 8 lbs for a muay thai fight in a couple weeks. I came back inside at 7a, all frozen and exhausted, and I stood in the hot shower until almost 8, not quite ready to start the day, but not ready for anything else either.

I cooked a lot of fish this weekend. The first night was a massive Porgy we did Shui Zhu Yu style– we being a relatively new friend and I, her first time over. The second was a pink grouper that I just made on a pan with soy sauce, cooking wine, garlic and olive oil.

In the west we always take the head off, in the east they always leave it on.  Is it because in the west we don’t want to be reminded that we’re eating something that was once alive, with eyes and a mouth and habits? That we’d rather have the flesh we consume have minimal resemblance to the living animal it once was? Or is it just an aesthetic… we don’t eat the head so we take it off.  The chinese eat the head… the eyes, the cheeks, and everything not bone or cartilage, and there’s your answer. The reason they keep the head on is because it’s food. The reason the west takes it off is because we don’t consider it food. Done deal.

I slept for 8 hours but I’m fatigued.  I don’t know if it’s because of a lack of deep sleep or I just need more after my training on Saturday. I love the feeling of being sore, and I hate the feeling of being sleepy at work, especially forgetting words.

My friend and business partner left last night for Budapest. I’ll be conducting the training with him remotely. Will be OK, but I will have to get up extremely early, 3am, to make it work.

Jam tonight with Tycoon Death Plunge, will be fun. But I’m beat. Also I’m holding a reading group on John Dewey tomorrow afternoon and I’ve read zero of the assignment thus far, so I’ll be limited help to the newbies.

I wish I could go take a nap right now, but too much to do today.

Anyway. Wow, boring update. I have more. But I’m sleepy.

Have a great Monday monkeys.

I slept late and I needed it. Another long week done, another full weekend starting.

I had a new friend, “J”, come over last night who I met through a project at school. She’s Chinese, studied media production for undergrad, and started grad school this year. She’s tall and pretty and artsy. For a couple weeks we joked and talked about making this one Chinese dish that we both love and that has a reputation for being extremely hard to make. The dish,  shui zhu yu (水煮鱼) is a kind of chili-cooked fish with lots of broth, but broth you don’t eat because it’s too spicy and mouth numbing. The broth does something to the fish flesh that makes it tasty and stimulating. Popular in special restaurants in China, less popular as a homemade dish because of its complexity.

With my longtime friend and business partner flying in from the Motherland last night, I thought it might be a good time to try cooking something, so I invited J over and she was into it.

After following all the instructions she found, things seemed to be going quite well. As the various sauces came together, most of which needed to be prepared separately for various chemical reasons, we all got pretty excited. But then we began one of the final phases where you super heat oil and add chili shells and those mouth numbing little round pepper things. The fumes from what ensued were unbelievably toxic. I was sneezing and coughing uncontrollably, and as the cloud reached my traveler friend who was out in the living room, the same happened to him. Spasms of sneezes and coughs almost to the point things seemed like they could get dangerous. I had to open the sliding glass door to the balcony, cover my nose and mouth and get the kitchen fan on, and I turned on both bathroom’s fans and opened my door. It took about 15 minutes for peace to return.

Anyway, despite that part in which we almost accidentally killed ourselves, the final dish came out incredibly well. We sat around my dinning room table (which is now oriented in a way that’s conducive to eating, finally) and lit candles and the three of feasted and talked alot about how if we could make something like this, we might just be able to make anything at all.
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Training in 90 minutes and then I’ll work with my visitor on preparing an upcoming trip we’re taking to an unbelievably dangerous place. Then we’ll probably eat and I need to work on some writing I’m doing in preparation for a meeting with the lead author tomorrow afternoon. After that I meet with my advisor to talk about my lack of dissertation progress, and after that I’ll come home. Both girls I’m dating are angry that I haven’t had any time to see them recently. I probably won’t tell them that J came over to cook unless it comes up or they ask. I’d rather not even see them right now. I’d rather come home and not need to talk to anyone. I’d rather just take a shower, jerk off and sleep.

I wonder how much disappointment it will cause when I tell both of them I don’t want to be physical any more. Probably not much because they’re probably already seeing other people because of how absent I am. One of them said she doesn’t want anything more than physical sometimes, but I know she’s lying. She texts too much and I can tell. I try to tell people to stay away from me but with chicks that backfires. It seems many like you even more when you push them away. How fucked up is that. Maybe the way for me to keep people distant from me is to show them lots of affection.

It seems the only way I can get back to normal daily writing is to get up earlier. My work day mornings seem to be permanently busy now. Sorry about that.

I might be able to do it. Get up earlier. Though I’ll have more typos and weirdly worded sentences than usual.

My friend and business partner is coming in from Africa today to stay the weekend. I just finished renovating my guest room, all new bed and sheets and pillows and duvet and shelves and desk and everything– I’m actually really looking forward to his trying the whole setup out. It looks super comfortable now.

Last night we had an extremely good practice, two songs pretty much done. It’s a great feeling to be at this stage.

Holy crap. I need to go.

I’ll find a way to fix this time issue.

Have a great Friday Monkeyholes, i’ll post this weekend too. More stories than I know what to do with now.

The second blizzard of the winter came in yesterday morning and created peace across the city for all non-drivers. Drivers, on the other hand, sang out in a chorus of text messages: “FML”.

I had an important presentation to deliver at 11 yesterday. It was contentious from the start. The talk consisted of an uncomfortable state-of-the-project update to senior management about a tool I now manage, but have always had doubts about. The project team, all 7 people, are so infatuated with and in love with the thing, any critique causes great tension. Given that the whole project team was there yesterday morning, in addition to all of senior management, the state was set for fireworks.

I was a groggy from the start. I didn’t get a great sleep and came in feel off my game, though that improved.

By the end of the talk, things were good. I posed some challenges, responded to challenges posed back at my ideas, and all-in-all it was a great example of the benefits of open group discussion. I left feeling pretty good.

The feeling didn’t last long because I knew I had another project update meeting this morning, 10. I’ve pretty much just finished that, and am now eating and catching up on my writing here. Incidentally, sorry for the delay. You’ve been very patient.

Let me quickly tell you about Saturday night. I went to a date at her place, my first time there. She lives over on 69th and central park west. Nice building, beautiful NYC apartment. Long hallway, two br and a living room, small kitchen, but everything very solidly constructed. Solid concret walls painted a nice color, flawlessly. All the baseboards and doorway frames were of the old school style, all painted so perfectly. Reminded me of some homes I’d been in up in NH, build with the old quality, spaces meant to last, spaces that demand respect. In her place, you want to pick up after yourself immediately. She had oriental carpeting throughout and her kitchen had black marble countertops. Her cupboards all had windows and were very LL Bean. Not my thing overall, but I appreciated the details and styling. Her furniture was all high quality and well-picked, very solid, mostly hardwood pieces. She has a fireplace and a large bath and shower, very rare for NYC living. Given its location off the express trains, off the park, and just minutes walk from Lincoln Center and all of that, it must have cost a fortune and I don’t know how she could afford it. She has a position two grades below mine.

When I walked in, she was so excited. She led me to the kitchen where she had a thanksgiving’s worth of groceries that she’d gotten just for that night, for us. Among the things she bought were things she knew I liked, picked from conversations we had had, or things she’d overheard from me here and there. I felt at once honored and amazed, and also nervous. I’m not used to being treated that way.

We prepared food and cooked together while taking mini shots of soju. We made out here and there while cooking. She wore tight black pants and a soft sweater that I couldn’t keep my hands off.

She’s hard to describe, but one way is to say that she’s the doctor’s wife. Ever meet those families out in NH in which the father is a doctor? And they have two kids with one syllable names, like Ben or Kate or Jen or Dan, and they have family dinners that the mom makes, and they take vacations to their lake house, or ski trips to Vale or Aspen. In those families, the mother has a quality– and by quality I mean characteristic, or really a collection of characteristics– and this girl has them. There’s a look, a sound of the voice, a style, a preference… something, that is the doctor’s wife.

I suppose you see the issue here: I’m not a doctor.

But it was a great night. Breafast was incredible, among the best I’ve ever had, and since that night we’ve been talking about how good it was, how nice it was. I have no idea what any of it means, but I’m trying desperately to not overthink, and to be open. She made me banana bread today and I haven’t eaten it yet.

Talk you guys tomorrow.

A much better day, so far. Things are nearly under control again. Stress level declining. Can’t wait for training this afternoon. Girl coming at 8p.

My friend the metal god needs a new place to live. I don’t really like having to ask him to make sure to stay out late when I have someone over. He’s been living there since 11/2, quite a long time. The place he would like to live opens up in mid-to-late Feb. Quite a ways away. Causes stress sometimes.

Sometimes I come home and I’m overjoyed to see him on the couch with his red Jackson V guitar practicing Malevolent songs for an upcoming show. Other times I come in and resent the fact I don’t have an empty place in which to collect my thoughts.

I have another girl possibly coming on Sunday, someone who hasn’t been over before. I’d really prefer to have someone like her over and not have to introduce her to other people there. That can suck sometimes.

Another great sleep with earplugs in. My little device started working again and it logged 7:30 of sleep, 3:15 of deep sleep. So that’s nice. I’ve gone an entire week without caffeine. Feel good about that.

I have a lot of writing to do. I like that state.

I wish I could like all states. Sometimes I feel close to that. Other times I feel restricted by certain incompletenesses I know I have. I wonder if I’m supposed to get married and stop dating around, or something like that. Right now I mostly date because I have too much testosterone. That will end some day, I bet.

Have a great Friday.

Another amazing sleep with earplugs in. I was in bed at 11 and completely unconscious within minutes. Four straight days. The difference in my waking hours has been very noticeable.

I’ve also stopped drinking coffee. Forth straight day. I seem to be just fine. People warned me about headaches and other withdrawl. But so far I’ve experienced no symptoms, just that I fall asleep faster and stay asleep all night.

When I was in Hong Kong a couple weeks ago, a friend, one of my best friends, gave me a Jawbone Up. It tracks my steps, meals and sleeps. I only really use the sleep tracker. It will report how long it took you to fall asleep, and once asleep, how much of it was light versus deep. For the first week and half it was reporting 7-8hrs of sleep but only 1:50hr of deep sleep, on average. That’s part of why I decided to stop coffee for a while. Unfortunately, the band seems to be malfunctioning. Despite my amazing sleeps recently, the reports are consistently off, indicating just 1hr of total sleep, for example. I’m not sure what’s going on. Will try a restart when I remember.

In the main office. I have an unfortunate email to send– I have to push a major meeting back from Monday to at least week later, possibly more. It involves and Dean and a number of other people. But it has to be done. We’re simply not ready to have that check in. Vacation and other things have slowed it all down significantly. So we can only do what we can, and in this case that means pushing the meeting back.

I wonder if it weren’t for that looming project if I’d feel better at work overall.

But I really do seek significant change.
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Tonight I have Sunken practice– that’s the band with Gio and my other friend. We’re playing every Thursday now, putting a demo together that will get us signed. Gio has it all worked out.

Tomorrow I have a date with someone I’m not allowed to talk about. Saturday I have Muay Thai sparring in the afternoon and a dinner at night. Sunday I see someone I’m not allowed to talk about. And then it all starts over.

Maybe all of that is why I need to change things up so radically. It’s not sustainable, and yet if I do less I get bored and lost.

Out for now, Monkeys. Later.

I discovered a new thing which is great.

Well, two new things.

First, if you put those little foam concert earplugs in before you sleep, the sleep you get is of an entirely different level. For two nights in a row I’ve had the longest, deepest sleeps I’ve had since I can remember. After lights out and earplugs in, I’m asleep within minutes. I hear nothing but those subtle inner ear sounds, the occasional ring, and of course my breathing.

For a high-sensing person like me, blocking out the little sounds of the world really lets the mind focus. Unfortunately it’s not the safest thing to do. But fortunately, my friend the legendary death metal guitarist is still crashing, so if someone broke in in the middle of the night, he’d be on it, I bet. A very loud noise I would hear. But that’s about it. I really like it, so far.

I also stopped all caffeine for a while, just to see if it leads to more deep sleep. My little Jawbone Up device reports that even when I get 7 hours of sleep, only about 1:50hr of it is “deep”. Deep sleep is where the recovery and recharging really happens, so you need that more than anything else. So far, my deep sleep has gone way up. I should have isolated earplugs from no caffeine so I know what’s working best. But for now, I actually feel super energized and I’m stimulant free. Good sleep is important.

The second thing is that you can buy these bleach pens that let you bleach just the collar of your white shirts. You know how they get all discolored so quickly? That’s fixable now. Just bleach them back. You don’t have to bleach the whole shirt and worry about ruining it, just do the collar. It’s nice and it works. That’s less interesting than ear plug sleeps, but has been a life upgrade. My collar looks so nice and white today.

I’m having a rough re-entry to work after a few great weeks away. I see so through so much of what was so clouded up before, and I see perfectly clearly that I need to get out of here. It’s too comfortable, too low stress, to easy to be complacent, too weirdly bureaucratic, and after this much time, I just don’t belong here any more. I’m definitely losing my edge. Gotta move on. The job market is super tough in my field. I could try something on my own. It’s all tough though. We’ll see what happens. Getting to the point where anything would be better than this being my full time thing. My hearts not in it like it was. I’m less happy with the new people I work with. I feel like the golden era here is gone, and I should be too.

We’ll see what happens.

Have a great hump, monkey holes.

Basically back on track, now. Hi there.

It’s one of those years that feels right. I don’t even have the tendency to write 2013 despite being a week into 2014. 2014 just comes out. Is it an even/odd thing?

I don’t remember specific things tied to specific years prior to high school. If you asked me about 5th grade, for instance, I have no idea what year that was. The only reason I know my high school years is because of being “Class of…”

The 2000’s have been sort of like middle school again. I don’t really have specific things to attach to 2003. I was in China, I know that much.

Last night I had someone over for the first time. She came, we cooked, and everything happened. Everything. So that’s been a little weird today, but not bad.

I need to quit my gig here and move on.

Hi Monkeys, I’m back again. Sorry for the delay.

My trip to Thailand was superb.

There were moonlit beaches, there were massages, there was muay thai fighting, there was me muay thai fighting, there were dance clubs, there were incredible meals, there were good friends, there were temples and fortune tellers and lady boys and bands. It was everything I hoped and more.

I have pictures I’ll share.

In the meantime, I had a very weird NYE. It started out really fun, at my friend’s place. He had about 30 people over and my other friend was bartending and it was nice to talk to everyone. As usual, everyone dressed up super fancy. The girls had their diamond necklaces and the boys their suits and ties. I had on jeans, boots and a black t-shirt, as usual. The beard works. I don’t care what majority consensus says about beardedness. I think it fits me.

Anyway, we stayed until around 2a and then me and Gio took my friend (who hosted), his brother, his Jordanian friend and a girl, out to a metalbar called 3 of Cups, which is LES. Gio and I were planning on going and then just extended the invitation and I was suprised they wanted to come along. We cabbed it over and the place was packed and full of interesting people. As always, it had great music. I’ve gone in there a few times with Gio and now I usually get free beers.  Lots of musicians hang out in there, especially those on tour passing through NYC, and many of my favorite metal guitarists seem to pass through all the time. There have been plenty of “holy shit, is that <so and so from so so>?!” Usually Gio’s like, “yeah, let me introduce you to him.”

Anyway, we go in and it’s cool. But it didn’t stay that way long. The Jordanian guy, who was really wasted, said something to the bartender. Not sure what, and still don’t know, but she got PISSED. She yelled at him to get the fuck out. He tried to talk his way out of it but it wasn’t happenin. These huge metal dudes all came over and escorted him out. On his way out, the bartender threw a glass that exploded on the wall next to him. Pretty intense. My friend (who hosted the NYE party), went up to the bartender to try and figure out what happened, but she immediately kicked him out, too. “Get the fuck out!!!!”

So, they left. I stuck around with Gio and my date for a bit to make sure I was still cool in that bar. After an hour or so, we headed to Double Down where they were serving all night, and talked about getting kicked out of bars. Eventually we ended up at Cafeteria for pre-crash breakfast at 6am, I was home at 8:30a and ready for a long, epic sleep.

So that was my post-Thai, post-HK NYE this year. Fairly epic.

Training starts today, shortly.

We’re supposed to have a big blizzard tonight and I can’t, can’t can’t wait for it. I really hope it’s HUGE and shuts the city down tomorrow. It’d be the best.

The metal guitar god is still staying over but I’m ready to have my place back to myself soon. He says he has a place that becomes available in mid-Feb. That seems like a long ways off. I’m missing my quiet space. Also, I don’t like having to check to see where he is if I want to bring a girl over. I shouldn’t have to do that… also, he doesn’t pay rent or anything.

He started staying on Nov. 2, so it’s getting to be quite a thing.

Catch you tmrrw.