Obsidian Noise

July 22, 1013.

Sorry no post yesterday. I was in bed until 1p. Saturday night was fairly epic. But first, update on Friday night’s show: some great pics up here.

Back to Sat. We met up at 8p at a favorite punk bar not too far away. Since I’ve been getting fat lately because of all this mourning and merriment, I decided to stay on tequila all night in lieu of any beers. (Tequila shots have really low carbs and calories, while remaining super potent). It was a great decision.

A couple hours in, and without warning a couple bands started showing up. There were no posters or announcements or anything, they just decided to play that evening, a young punk band from Jersey named Ms. America. They went on and tore it up. I loved it. It was so loud that half the bar moved outside to escape, but I was into it!

Afterwords I chatted with them outside and had a smoke, and then they actually joined our table and we all talked about music and punk and got summarily wasted for the next couple hours. They’re practically kids, one of them could have been underage, even, and it was great to meet them. I’m so happy when I meet young musicians who are able to tear it up in analogue.

The tequila had me friendly and ponderous, though. I remember their first song, a really fast, riff-heavy song had the lyrics, sung ultra-fast:

“Whys-she-so-pretty-whys-she-so-pretty whys-she-so-pretty-whys-she-so-pretty-whys-she-so-pretty?!?!” 

While under Jose Guervo Gold, I pondered that. Yes, indeed… why is she so pretty… yes exactly, that is the right question… and also, why is she so pretty… of course… <nod,nod><foot stomp, foot stomp> And why is she so pretty? 

So that was all fun. Altered states can be good for you, sometimes. I didn’t need the Guervo Gold for that. Good bands can get me there on their own.

Hot Asian Tattoo girl from the airport messaged on and off for most of the night, but I was having too much fun to really respond. I just would occasionally send pictures, you know, like these.

And so on. Was great. (That’s my recently deceased advisor’s daughter trying to pick a drunken friend up. Dude can’t hold his beer.)

I was reluctant to correspond, but then I remembered she’s in San Diego anyway, so it’s not like she was going to come and wreck things, and I smartend up. The result was that she sent me a really hot picture. Should I show it?

It’s not naked or anything.

Nah.

One thing that I realized over the weekend is that I have fake exes and real exes. The subject of women came up and someone asked about how things were with so-and-so and I was like, yeah that ended, for the better. And then someone asked about it more and used “your ex” and I was like, fuck, I don’t even know who’s an ex and which one is which. In my mind I still only have one actual ex, a very special person I met in 2010. In the scheme of things it didn’t last that long, but for some reason, that’s just my real ex. The person I just broke it off with is technically now an ex, but in my mind she’s not. I never got close to her at all, despite seeing her often. Some of you knew about our relationship, but for those who didn’t, it’s because it didn’t seem right to write about her here, so you guys don’t have all the details, but you have most.

This isn’t good Monday morning content.

——————————————————

Two big talks to give this week. Tomorrow night some co-workers and I are out to Indian food. Thursday night I have another thing. Friday is yet another outing for my recently deceased advisor, not sure I’m going to hit that one, though, I’m a little burned out from all the drinking and late nights. I got a little fat, too, which I need to change before Aug. 18th.

I’m 11lbs over, thanks to about three weeks of off-schedule living. This is from this morning. I think I can cut 11 in time, but am def. soft from booze right now. I need to dry out.

Busy times and learning times. Live laugh love and learn.

Have a great Monday my birdies, thanks for checkin up on me sometimes.

Late wake up.

It’s July 20, 11:45am.

At home, in my undies, sweating and standing while I type. I think the air is condensating on my skin. I’ve just emerged, coffee brewing, eyes focusing, skin still slightly chilled from my bedroom AC.

Still a little torn up about the last goodbye, and only for her. I’m fine and capable of being happy and healthy on my own and am looking forward to diving into my work this year. But it hurts because she was so extremely sweet, thoughtful and caring, really getting herself together after a few years of trying different paths. When she came my way, she latched on so quickly, and I shouldn’t have gone along with it. When I said goodbye she was so crushed. She had wanted to get married and all the rest.

She deserves all of that, and I’m just not the right one to give it to her.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting numb to it all.

Maybe this is the skill that people who have many relationships with people acquire over time. Each one becomes less significant because of how many there grow to be. If you’ve only been with a couple people, and you have to break up for whatever reason, it can be traumatic (believe me, I know). But if you’ve gone through it a whole bunch of times, you start to see it as a process with few real surprises. It unfolds as a series of stages, almost like the stages of grief. When you see them all as stages, it’s easier to stay outside of it all.

It scares me a little that I’m starting to feel this way.

I am getting tired of the heartache. Maybe someday it just won’t happen anymore. One solution is to just never get close to anyone. Another one is to go more slowly with a person so that a break-up is smooth and peaceful, and if there is no breakup, then that’s the one to stay with.

I don’t know, man. These things can be so hard if you think about it all, and think about them. Or they can be easy if you just flip that switch, and it’s on to other things. One is painful and damaging, and the other would seem somehow less human. Caught between being a vital, pumping heart, and just a complex system of machinery without an ultimate  purpose.

Remember that quote from Christopher McCandless at the end of Into the Wild, “happiness is only real when shared”? Sometimes I think about that.

But then again, I never had most things right to begin with.

———————————————————————

The show last night was so-so. The stage and set were excellent, but something was wrong with the bass tone from the very start. Since that’s the lead (just three musicians– bass/voc, drums and keyboard) it really wrecked about the first 45 minutes for me. At about the 80 minute mark, though, suddenly the bass sounded great, as if he finally hit the right pedal or something, and the last 12-15 minutes were outstanding.

Today I’m going into my boss’s office with the big camera to capture what’s there before the books and nick-knacks are all removed. His daughter will meet me there later in the afternoon, and then we’re going out for drinks with some other friends, hers and mine, later tonight.

——————————————

It hasn’t been a great time for training, but that’s OK for now.

Have a great Saturday birdie heads.

Hi Monkies.

In a bit of a strange headspace today. Combination of relationship things and bigger life things. I guess I feel a little down.

I’m sad about the people I’ve hurt by not being what they needed. I hate the goodbyes, and it’s confusing to me that they always seem to come from me. I’m the one saying move on to the other person, and usually I say it’s for their sake, though it’s at least nearly equally for mine, somehow. I just have some unresolved things, I guess. Probably from way back, that cause certain problems in how I connect and relate to people.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so busy with my projects. It’s not fair to put someone else through that kind of frustration. No, I can’t spend the day at this or that, I have work to do. No, I can’t meet your friends for dinner tonight, I have to prepare for that thing tomorrow… and then I leave for that place for a week. Yes, I suppose it does mean you won’t even see me before I leave. I’m sorry, I know it’s annoying. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Is that really true? It seems to be true, but maybe this is one of those constructs we imprison ourselves with. How busy am I really? Is there a chance I’d rather just not spend that much time with anyone and thus create things to be busy on?

Who knows.

Tonight I’m here in NYC and I’ll be going to what should be an incredible drone metal show. The band Om is playing on the ruins of the Egyptian  Temple of Dendur, which has been on display in gallery 131 of the Metropolitan Museum of Art since the 1970’s. The temple, which dates from BC times, was constructed for the gods Isis and Osiris. It was given to the US by Egypt as a token of thanks for the US’s help in preserving other ancient Egyptian structures while the Egyptian government undertook some land engineering projects, like dam building and stuff like that. I’m not sure how “metal” it’ll be at this venue– obviously it’s a special performance. Also, in listening to some of their more recent stuff, it’s pretty clear they’ve diversified. Some of their tracks are just buddhist monks chanting with some subtle overtones from high powered guitars.

Looking forward to what they’ve put together for this.

Anyway, the show should be interesting. Om incorporates some of those other drone elements I was telling you guys about before– both high distortion, high-gain guitar, and also various drone vocals. I can’t wait to see if they’ll be able to get that super distortion going.

Not sure what’s up after that, but I’ll probably hang out there for the evening, depending on what’s happenin. I’ll be there with a couple friends.

Catch ya morrow.

(PS forgot pics again :/)

July 18th.

Had great training last night, went heavy and strict and got completely dehydrated despite being indoors. The training facilities here suck, overall.

One of the problems with being part caveman-brained is that when someone wants to go out because they like you, and you think it’s a good idea to go, it can be hard to tell if it’s because you actually like them and want to get to know them, or if you’re really hoping to make out with them. In my case right now, with this girl, it’s especially hard to tell. Need to watch out for that. But I have needs too!

Home tonight for R&R only. Sore as hell from training yesterday and today nothing besides the morning run. Three weeks till my next big trip to the Motherland and I can’t wait. Bringing the camping hammock this time and it’s going to be great.

I had some photos to share, but realize they’re only on the home machine, so look for those tomorrow!

Have a great day over there you big weirdos.

July 17th, another 90 degree day. I got plenty of sleep, but it wasn’t very good sleep. I woke up groggy with puffy eyes. Maybe dehydrated from the get-together that took place the night before.

When I got home from Riverdale, I watched Survivorman, that episode where he’s in Labrador traveling by dog sled. He ends up having to eat some of the dog food, which is old Carribou meat, in order to stay alive because he can’t get any fish or game. He ended up boiling it in a coffee can over a fire. When it was done and he sipped it, he looked like he enjoyed it so much. Warmth and flavor after days without anything.

You can boil things to kill all the germs off. If you can find some standing water somewhere, boil it up and you’ll be fine, usually. But that doesn’t work with all bad things. For instance, if you have bad meat, boiling it or broiling or roasting it or whatever won’t make it edible. The bacteria that decompose meats produce a very toxic biproduct. Killing off all the bacteria by fire doesn’t remove those toxins, and you will get sick, even if you eat just a tiny amount. Survivorman was lucky because up there in Labrador, it’s freakin’ cold most of the time.

I have a meeting in about 15 minutes that I have no interest in going to.

At least there’s a jam tonight in Hollow Way.

Later birdies.

July 16, the old man’s office is being emptied out. I have my volumes of his already, marginalia in-tact.

Heading up to Riverdale in 20 minutes. I don’t know what the etiquette is, and I’m not good with those things. I went to the Italian market and got a fruit platter.

My coworker who has a crush on me wants to go out for drinks tonight. I’m going to go. Don’t really care. I think this whole thing is just starting to hit me, now.

I have a voicemail with his voice on there, telling me we’d go over my writing soon. So that’s hard.

Erase or save.

I’m so thankful I have so many things going on right now, and it’s the perfect time to have no obligations to anyone except myself. Sometimes I realize how lucky I am for my isolation. It’s hard to come by these days. Quiet in a world that can’t stop talking.

It’s July 15th and all is well. Work is weird with recent news, but it was a long time coming, everyone is experience that well-known combination of sadness and relief.

My date with the tattoo girl from the Detroit Delta terminal was fun. She’s pretty edgy and sexy and I wonder what will happen. She has a tongue stud, which is a little clanging.

Still thinking deeply about the incredible week. The intellectual intensity on such an intense, daily basis was fantastic. It made me realize how deeply I miss the intensity. I feel like I’ve been lazy for the last couple of years.

Tomorrow I’ll be up in Riverdale, then down for meetings and then downtown for thing. I can’t wait to see some of my friends and tell them about last week.

Hope your week is good. Stay hydrated monkey heads.

July 12, 2013

I’m in the Detroit airport on a layover. My flight is delayed so I’m just here. The airport is large, and mostly emptying out. About 35 minutes ago I had a conversation. A hot girl with a skull tattoo on her leg above the knee sat across from me.

I noticed it right away but continued sitting there, staring into space. At one point I looked up and she was looking at me. I said: “Where’d you get that done?”

“San Diego”

“Where at?

“You know San Diego?”

“Yeah I half live there.”

“Oh, well it’s on C, called Skull and Bones”.

“I really like it.”

Her name is Regina and her number is 609 201 xx13. She’s in NYC for four days visiting a girlfriend, apparently comes all the time. We’re going out either tomorrow or Sunday. We’ll see if that’s true.

Was just in a mood, I guess. You know how it can get. She’s an artist, which is my type, I think. She works part-time at UCSD in the art department as a coordinator, and part time at a restaurant on Mission Beach area.

Sometimes I really miss having a girlfriend.

But then I think it’s probably for the best that I’ve resisted since I’m on a roll with life goals. Sometimes I like to feel that I’m above having a girlfriend. That it’s something I don’t need because I’m so intense and raw that I’m beyond it. But that’s likely bullshit. There are times I remember what it was like. How deeply in love I was, and how much joy and hope and energy it brought into my life. Just feeling love and being in awe of an actual, shared connection with a person. It was new and amazing and made my life better than I though possible, at times. Sometimes I just let myself realize how lucky I was to have had it even once, and to be thankful for it, despite it’s short duration.

I don’t know. I’ll see Regina and her tattoo. I can tell when a girl is into me. Her makeup was heavy and I’m not really into that. But it was exciting to have initiated and to get a pretty intensely positive response. I liked her tanned skin. She’s Asian, which is coincidence. I asked for her number, and she said she was glad I asked.

We’ll see, Monkeys, ok?

I’m going to get a coffee from the airport Starbucks and start writing some email drafts to people I want to collaborate with after this week-long lab. I’m in a sleep deprived state but I like it. It’s been an intense week and I loved it. I’ve missed it. Short nights and long days of being on, and when even 20 minutes of down time feels like a luxury. I love that.

Smile on my end, and flip-flopped feet up on my backpack. Thinking of a nice shower at home under my blue light, a nice podcast to fall asleep with, and a little bit about where to take Regina tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

It’s July 11th and I’m at the Blue Harbor Resort in Wisconsin on Lake Michigan. Everyone around here says hello when you pass. NYC does a great job of removing that basic element of community. NYC is a place of exclusivity, arrogance and absurdity. The absurdity comes in the form of how ignorant so many people are, and one step further, how ignorant they are of their ignorance. I’m talking about downtowners, corporate types and the like. It’s nice to get away.

Second to last day here. It’s been intense. Extremely full days and I’m somewhat surprised I’m still participating to the extent that I am. I get worn out at these things (not that I’ve ever done anything quite like this before). Hell, typically after an afternoon of workshops I need a day or two to recover. But this has been all day everyday, four straight days with tomorrow being the last. It’s been extremely beneficial to me and my work. I’m glad I showed up for this and I’ve made some good friends.

We took a group shot today, I’m in here somewhere:

I’m going to try to take a nap before the next session begins in about 30 minutes. Have a great day, monkeys. Hope you can experience something like this, sometime, too.

Still here in Sheyboygan, WI. It’s 7/10/13 at 4:53 and I have about 20 minutes until we recconvene. The days are so scheduled out I can hardly believe it. Staring early in the morning, and going until pretty late at night. Intense working groups and discussions, my brain is getting a great workout. I’ve made some good connections with people.

One thing I didn’t realize before coming was that part of our work was going to be with actual clients. In my group, our client is the Sheyboygan Chief of Police who’s trying to solve some crime issues in a community that has some significant disfunction. So it’s an actual case, which has made the lab more interesting. That’ just a small part of the whole thing, like an ongoing miniproject.

I’m pretty hungry and have only had time for some runs, which isn’t great. But it’s all worth it.

More later.